Something I Wrote When I Was 18.

I recently came across something I wrote nearly 8 years ago as I was entering college. How I’ve grown and changed - God has truly transformed me year after year. But of the many things unchanged is the forgiveness He offers me daily - and the way my forgiveness has changed my life for the better.

From the journal of my 18-year-old self:

A friend talked about you behind your back... A stranger stole the wallet you accidentally left at the restaurant... The guy next to you in class cheated off of your test...You're frustrated, right? You're annoyed, you're upset, and you're bothered. The demon and the angel that supposedly rest upon your shoulders have ideas on the subject that seem to coincide. Justification? Justification for evil... for sin? Unforgiveness, without the guidance of the Holy Spirit, can appear to be an angel disguised as a demon. Do these wrongdoers deserve the valuable gift and sacrifice of forgiveness? The answer to this question is perspective. The bottom line is, that we are all sinful. We fall short of God’s glory. (but there’s hope.)

None of us are near perfection, and we all need God’s unending grace and undeserved forgiveness.

When we put into perspective how often, how daily, how hourly, God forgives our sins, why wouldn't we want to show His grace to others?

Showing God's grace to the people around us is such an incredible way to draw them near to Him. Can you imagine telling someone every single day not to do something, but continually being disappointed by their disobedience? God was willing to accept the burden of disappointment resulting from the daily, continual disobedience of every single human being in this world throughout the ages of history. The crazy thing is that God adores us so much, that He forgives us time-after-time-after-time. Instead of leaving us here to suffer on our own, He sent his son to die on the cross - for our sins. Jesus gave His life for me. He gave His life for you. Let’s not look over the reality of that - the weight of what that means. God not only sacrificed His Son, but He also allows us to follow Jesus so that we may live in eternity with Him in Heaven. His Holy Spirit is available to us and we are His vessels.

I’ve wasted hours, days, months, and years of my life hating someone. I have wasted opportunities of pouring out God's love with moments of anger and rebellion.

When I was 18 months old, my father was shot and killed in the line of duty by a stranger driving down the highway near Paducah, Kentucky. Someone he had never met - someone who didn’t know who he was to us. Shot by someone who didn’t know how much he loved his baby, his wife, and his friends. He didn’t know about his incredible sense of humor. He didn’t know a single thing about the amazing young man, whose life he was taking. My dad was driving to an undercover assignment when this man decided to take his life. On April 16th, 1998, he was gone, and a 26-year-old, young mother was left to raise a child on her own.

I am 18 years old now; my dad would be 45. My father has not been with me for the majority of my life, and I do not think that is okay, at all. Growing up, I hated the man who killed my dad. This man did not only take my dad's life away from him, but he took a dad away from his daughter, a son away from his parents, and a husband away from his wife. It is almost like I was holding on so tightly to this hate growing up, that instead of pushing towards forgiveness, at times, I felt I was drowning in the presence of my vexation and loneliness due to the absence of my father. I wanted my dad. More than anything else in this world. I still do.

I have grown up for the past 17 years, and the man who killed my father has been a ghost to me. I avoided him, but thoughts about him have haunted me. I have written letter after letter to this man sharing my deep anger and hurt. But now, I can't help but imagine the pain he faced. I can't help to imagine the pain he has caused his family.

God has transformed my life and revealed to me how great of a sinner I am. How broken I am. Timothy, the man who killed my father is a sinner. Every person on this planet, every teacher, every pastor, every lawyer, every human - is a sinner. I am a sinner. And God has yet to fail to forgive me for the sins I confess to Him.

I have been working on the forgiveness of Timothy for over a year now. Truthfully, It's not easy. It’s not simple. and It hasn't happened overnight. I can honestly say that I have been able to lay down the burden of hate. My dad's death is not okay. It will never be okay, and at times, it still hurts me so deeply. BUT. God loves the man who killed my father because he is made in His image. God loves me because I am made in His image. My dad is gone; nothing can change that. I am moving away from the years of anger and choosing to live my life fully and happily. To the man who killed my father- I forgive you.

Our God is so amazing, in that He hasn’t abandoned us. God is long-suffering WITH us. HE has not left our sides. This story of my forgiveness is no reflection of my own, derived sense of perspective, but the decision to forgive reflects the love of the Father. It reflects the beautiful image of God's constant forgiveness and grace to us. No matter how FAR we separate ourselves from the Father and no matter how BIG our sins are, God doesn’t regret saving us.

My prayer for Timothy is that his heart will be opened and that God will reveal His glories and His grace to him. My prayers are over his family, for God to be ever present in their hearts and their lives.

Man, sin is a hard thing to deal with. People get hurt. People become broken, but I am no better than you, and you are no better than me.

I don't know what your story is.

Maybe you have been abused, used, abandoned, picked on, ignored, or cheated. 

maybe your reputation has been destroyed.

Maybe everything you had has been taken from you.

"And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." Mark 11:25

You can choose to forgive. You can choose to love your enemies. Do good to those who hate you and pray for those who mistreat you. Show love, mercy, and compassion. I promise You will never heal until you forgive. Do NOT allow Satan to overcome your life with the evil that is unforgiveness. It simply isn't worth it.

"Jesus said, 'Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.' And they divided up his clothes by casting lots." Luke 23:34

To the man who killed my dad, I forgive you